Keilune's Diary

[Keilune]

August 28.

Sometimes I dream things. Strange things of place I've been, but different. Sometimes of places I've never been. Sometimes a particular part of a dream will stand out and I have no idea why. Take the tram for example. I first heard of it when a gnome happened by Dalanaar. Now, a gnome in our part of the world is rare enough, but this gnome had come to help us. I've been seeing more and more people from outside lately.

We started talking, I know I shouldn't have, but there was something curious about this creature- beside her barely coming up to my knee. She told me of many wondrous things outside of our little glen. She described nasty trogs that were overrunning the Dwarven kingdoms and had already forced her people to flee their homes. I could hardly hold back my sadness, my own flighting having been so recent. But then she perked up and told with great enthusiasm about a marvel of gnomish “engineering” called the Tram. I didn't know what engineering was, but at the time I thought it was a grand tunnel connecting two cities. I was right, but not in the way that I thought.

When I finally left, I resolved to repay her kindness by helping with the trog problem, as she had helped with our difficulties- and I had to see this marvel. After the griffen purposefully threw me off his back and then laughed at me- I've decided I hate griffens- an official looking elf told me that a boat to Stormwind was my first stop to get to the tram. He showed me where to wait and walked off with a smirk. People are SO rude!! I would never have been able to get away with that.

(drop of ink spilled and the beginnings of a word smudged) I hate this place (this is being written in the trade district in Stormwind). Can you believe it, a demon just went by, a DEMON! He had his human in tow and glared at me as he went past. I thought he was going to attack me, but he just floated away. I think I need to finish this from someplace safer.

(continued with the meeting of Cirsee)

[Keilune]

August 29

I never got back to my writing. But since i'm stuck in .. what is this place.. Theramore.. Thessledan... I just know there are lot of dwarfs here and it doesn't smell like molten metal. I'm in this guard tower and the sky is spitting at me again. I hate rain. Especially here where it is cold and drizzly. At least at home the rain is often warm.

I think I mentioned that my gnome friend was helping us and so I told her that one day I would return the favour. Well here I am. I've just spoken with one of the commanders here and have offered my help with the trogs. I hope they aren't beyond me.

I'm feeling so much better about things- at least today I am. I miss mom and dad, but i've been meeting people here. Did I mention Circee? She was one of the first people I met outside of home. I am NOT counting that griffen handler.. either the dwarf one or the one of my own kin. Stupid griffens. I'm also Not counting the one who laughed at me when I asked him how to get to the tram.

Tram.. oh yes, I was trying to get to the tram when I ran into her. She was so nice!! She and that boy with her, Amboro I think it was. First Draenei I had been close to. Cute too... if only he were younger... oh I did not just write that? Okay maybe I did, but since no one else will be reading this, I *suppose* it's alright. I wish I would have said more, but once again my stupid brain suddenly lost its ability to speak. I just followed behind them both like a lost child.

But the TRAM! Oh the tram, it was more than I had ever hoped for. Yes, you had to overlook the rats and the trash and the smell, but when the cars (thats what Cirsee said they were) came rushing down the tunnel a huge gust of wind nearly knocked me off my feet. And you know, it is a testament to Cirsee's kindness that she did not laugh at me in a mean way like the person who gave me directions to Stormwind. I admit to being a bit scared of the cars, and maybe I jumped back more than was pushed back by their wind, especially the first one. Its not my fault though, I wasn't expecting them! No one told me that you RIDE from one end of the tunnel to then next. I was just about to hop into the tunnel when the car came, so it is NOT my fault. I'm not scared of anything. She and Amboro took me all the way to Iron Forge. Iron Forge, another place I hate. It is hot, smelly, loud and I feel like I'm trapped under a tonne of rock!!

Oh it looks like the rain is letting up, I'd better finish this later. Cirsee my first almost friend. Maybe life away from home wont be so bad after all.

[Keilune]

August 31

Sad today. I miss mom and dad. I miss Dalazar. I wish I had never left. I'm so scared all the time here. Demons, horde attacking, magic being thrown about like .. I don't know what. I think these people are as drunk off magic as they are off of booze. I wonder if they know what it can do. Still, I am glad that Waldor came with me [Kei's spider]. I don't know what I would do without him, he is my only piece of home. But I can't go back. I can't do it or I will have to admit that mother's version of my life is greater than my own and that I have failed. At least I don't have to study for those tests anymore and I don't have the constant schooling. I wonder if they've sent anyone to look for me. I miss everyone so much.

[Keilune]

August 31 – again

I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm not going back and that is that! I am making friends here and I know that I am being true to myself and if my parents can't see that then it's their loss. I'm going to Menethil to hunt crocolisks. I know they are dangerous, but hopefully the challenge and the excitement of such a hunt will break me out of this mood. I'm tired of being afraid.

[Keilune]

Sept 1

I will never get caught up in my diary. In fact, every day I get farther and farther behind. I desperately need to get down the details of my voyage to Stormwind, but life is happening too fast. I think I mentioned that I went to Shadowfang Keep with Shari'Adune, Incite and Anacia. That was a whole adventure on its own, just getting there was a trek through new lands and with new beasts- all of whom seemed to be convinced that I was the tenderest, juiciest morsel of the whole group. You can't see it but I'm rolling my eyes right now.

Tonight I got to see Cirsee again, and she sent me ahead of her to the Blue Recluse where I met Ferosity, and Lynn (I forget her full name). Amboro was there also and a whole host of others that came and went. It was a privilege to meet another Cat and I think in the end she and I got on alright, but I rather made a fool of myself- twice.

I don't know where to start. The Draenei who had a constant cloud of mist at her feet or Ferosity who is unlike any Keldorei I have ever encountered. I will start with the first, since its easier to explain. In fact, it is quite simple. I couldn't help but notice the mist, and there was a weird feeling about her that I could not place. She scared me. I hate magic anyway and someone who kept it around them like that, so blatant... oh but there I go again. I am not my father, that is him talking. I must get used to different ways of doing things and that just because I don't like it, doesn't mean that the person is bad. Anyway, I'm afraid I was unable to hide my distress and that was magnified when she kissed someone (I wont name any names, but hes the only cute boy I've seen so far)- she kissed him in public!! Right in front of me too. I didn't know what to do, I just sat there and pretended to be working on an armor piece. Later she came up to me and asked if she scared me, and I answered honestly. I think this upset her. It turns out that she can't help the magic. I don't know why, but Amboro (or was it Lynn) said that it just kinda leakes out and wasn't something she could help. I felt absolutely terrible, and still do.

Ferosity is another matter entirely. First off, she is one of us and second she is more different than the other Keldorei I have known than are the Dwarfs. The way she sat far back in her chair, completely slouched, how she talked openly about “boobs” and other parts. There was something about her as if she didn't care about rules or society and something about her body that I didn't and still don't understand. She has the most piercing gaze I have ever seen. Its like mom's, but instead of being soft and loving it is challenging. It demands to be returned and to meet it half-way you have to turn aside completely from shyness and fear. I now know that there is also compassion and warmth in there, but its under layers, not hidden as much as it is colored by other aspects of her personality

For the first time in a long time, I was completely devoid of words. It was worse then when I am trying to talk to a boy. My stomach was in knots, I couldn't breathe and it felt like my skin was on fire. I told Ferosity later that I was nervous, but she and I both know that the feelings were like no nerves I have ever had.

It was all too much for me. Shortly after we all went outside for air, I went back in and walked up the stairs. I sat down in a corner and just stared at the floor. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. Finally, I called Waldor over to me and buried my face in his warm fur. I must have been like that for half an hour before I pulled myself together and went back outside.

Fero was there. We talked. I decided to be completely open and honest with her and I was surprised at how much she understood. She wasn't offended at all, though she was worried and wondered why I had reacted so much to her. She gave me some advice, and its advice that I think may be very important. “If you aren't failing, you aren't learning.” You have to be willing to take risks. She said to “Trust your gut”, but she also warned that if I follow that path, I must also be willing to live with the consequences of my mistakes. When you first think about such advice that seems to challenge one to do things that they know are wrong, its sounds ridiculous. But the more I see of Stormwind and its denizens, the use of magic, drinking, public intimacy and so many things that my parents warned me would corrupt the mind and the body, the more I begin to realize how sheltered I have been. My world was so small compared to the rest of Azeroth. This new world has new rules and if I'm going to stay here, I have to get used to that. “Trust your gut”, she said. I am only beginning to suspect that this “gut” (I would say instinct) is the only way to successfully move through this strange place, and that it is what I must trust, since my parent's rules no longer apply.

I hope I meet her again.

[Keilune]

I feel so liberated, so alive!!

Here I sit in front of the Blue Recluse- me in a bar and a bar that caters to practitioners of magic no less! Who would have thought? If only mom and dad could see me. I can see it now, Dad's brows would furrow, almost to a total V and mom would just give me a sad look when they saw what I was wearing. I am almost naked!! Seriously. Today, all day, I have been walking around in just my shirt. I actually took off the top portion of my leathers. Nothing but a thin weave between me and the air, I feel so … so... I can actually feel air against my chest and its the most curious sensation.

I am beginning to like this place. Its not at all the den of evil and sorcery that everyone made it out to be. Yes, I can see people for whom life has brought great sorrow, and for whom either alcohol or magic has become an obsession, but I also see many for whom its not. I see people actually living their life, taking in the difficult with the fulfilling, the love with the anger; and why shouldn't they?

Yes, I'm beginning to like it here, even if I must avoid the Ellik dung and getting trampled in the streets. I feel like there is a new and fresh me just waiting to be unleashed and I have no idea what that is. For the first time ever, not knowing has become part of the excitement.

[Keilune]

September 6

Has it really been four days since my last entry? Its hard to believe that so much time has passed already. I think I've given up on taking down every detail of the journey here. I had wanted to write about Cirsee and my first meeting, where she took me to the tram. Maybe I did write about that, I don't remember. I have been working diligently to help the Dwarfs with their trogg problem. Waldor and I thinned their numbers greatly and even assisted against ogres. Gigantic creatures, strong too. Waldor and I had to be very careful and even at that, their leader still remains at large.

I haven't been writing, not because I've been busy, but because the important changes in my life are so intensely personal that I don't know that I'm ready to put them into words. I've been feeling things. When I look at some people my heart starts racing, my breathing becomes quick and shallow, my brain turns off and -other- things happen that I will not write about here. Its far worse than when I complained about about the “blithering idiot”' syndrome and it only happens with some people, not others. The odd thing is that I never know when its going to strike, sometimes its someone I know, others its just a random person walking down the street. Sometimes the object of my attention is stunningly gorgeous and other times I cannot for the life of me understand the attraction, but it is there nonetheless.

At least I am not alone. I have close friends now to talk to and they are helping me understand the things that my parents would not explain. I wonder what my first kiss will be like. What does it feel like when your lips touch? Should they be wet? When that Draenei person kissed the boything, she moved her head around a lot, I think it was to avoid bumping noses. Should my first kiss be with a boy or a girl? I can't imagine whiskers, but I had never imagined a girl either, so really don't know. I just know that it will happen sooner or later and right now, I find myself torn between action and caution; I don't know which will win out. Life is so different. I am so different. Even though it's only been a couple of weeks, I don't think mom and dad would recognize their little girl. I just hope they haven't sent someone after me to take me home yet, because I am not going back- no matter what.

[Keilune]

September 6

Oh my goddess, I just kissed someone!! It was only supposed to be a practice kiss, but wow!!! I have never felt anything like that before! Her lips were so soft, and her arms over my shoulder felt like silk wrapping around me, pulling me close. I felt like.... I felt love. Oh it was amazing! I felt like I was exploding from inside! I want to scream!!

[Keilune]

September 6, no 7... wait, no six.. I hate staying up late I always forget which day it is. I was up so late exploring woods outside of Stormwind. I was doing some late night hunting, when the nocturnal creatures are out and I came across Darkmoon Faire. What a strange and wonderful little setup. They were all packing up for the night so there wasn't much to do- except to stay out of the giants way. Or was it an ogre... hmm... yes thinking of the ogres around Thelsamar. Anyway, there wasn't much to do except buy something. I was hoping for an exotic food but then I saw it. Up on the shelf a bottle of “Darkmoon Special Reserve”. At first I resolutely looked away, but then Fero's advice came back that if I weren't failing, I wasn't learning. Mom and dad want me to learn all I can, right? I bought it. Secretly I was afraid they would realize how young I was and refuse to sell it to me, but the vendor just winked as he passed it over the counter. As slowly as I could make myself go, I left and then ran deep into the woods to try it. But alas it is still in my bag corked. I totally wimped out. I wish I was brave like Fero.

[Keilune]

September 8

I ran into Amboro at the recluse. It was just me and him. The two of us together alone, *awkward!* I tried to hide how his presence made me feel, but he caught on pretty fast. He was so nice about it even if he wouldn't let me squirm my way around the subject. Of course by the time we got to that point we had already talked at length about how much he loves Zoryaa and that they are getting married. I am so happy for him, the way his eyes lit up when he talked about her... it made my heart just skip a beat. I hope I have that someday.

The rest of the conversation was one disaster after another. I spewed beer all over the place and nearly choked to death. I think I accidentally got some on Amboro too. How totally embarrassing. Amboro made me give the stein back when I mentioned that the room was spinning- I had only had two drinks, two sips if you count the mostly airborne first swallow. I don't think I want to do that too much, it doesn't taste too good up the nose.

Amboro is just the sweetest guy and Zoryaa is very lucky. He wasn't the sweetest, however, as we were about to leave he made a joke and purposefully... purposefully gestured *down there* just to make me blush. I think my eyes almost popped out of their sockets and I had to force them to stay at chest level. Again, utter embarrassment. At least I know that it was meant in good fun and wasn't anything creepy or mean.

I hope I run into Kri again soon. I so want to ask her if she will practice kissing more. Its only been two days since that kiss and already I feel like something is missing from the world. I keep thinking about her arms on my shoulders, like warm silk laying soft and gentle. I think about her lips, almost liquid against mine and it makes me want to curl up into a little ecstatic ball.

I asked Amboro what it was like for him being love and he replied that when you were in love you adored everything about someone- he was more eloquent than that, but it made me think. Everyone has faults.. well except me.... okay fine, especially me *wink*. So I asked him if being in love meant that you loved the faults too... and he said that you loved the good with the bad.

So now I know how to tell if I'm in love. If I'm spending time with someone and there is something about them that I do not like, I cannot possibly be in love with them. Easy!! I think I'm finally getting this love thing down.

[Keilune]

September 8
I haven't seen Kri in three days!! Waah!

It probably meant nothing to her, was just a practice kiss, spontaneous, instructive.. thats it, it was just instructive on her part and didn't mean a thing. Why can't I stop thinking about it? Why haven't I seen her? Is she avoiding me? Maybe it was so bad that she doesn't want to be seen with me! I know it sounds like I'm overacting, but she lets me kiss her and I never see her again, what am I supposed to think? Oh, where is she?! Kri!!

On an entirely unrelated note, I think I have a breakout.

I'm going to go jump off a cliff now.

[keilune]

Why cant I just have good things happen? Why must it always be really good mixed with really bad? I can't do portals! I'm sorry Cirsee! I'm such a wimp. Its just that portals make me remember. I feel them, their swirling magic channeled into another place. They are so much like what I felt deep inside my gut as the spell that destroyed Nodrassil was cast. I was yanked out of my self, stripped and then thrown back in naked, mortal and utterly empty. I cant feel that again. I just cant. Please don't ask me to.

Why am I so weak?

And this on the happiest day of my life when Kri and I realized that we both had feelings for each other. She is my first cherished one, my first kiss and the only person I want to be with. I crave the warmth of her skin and her breath upon me, the softness of her touch and her laugh. I so wish I had her laugh with me right now. If only I could stop crying.

[Keilune]

Sept 13

I have lived a sheltered life; I am beginning to see that. To me, talking about the past is nothing... of course there are only sixteen years of it, but for others, it is a difficult subject to broach, and one filled with great sorrow. I did not escape the last war unscathed, but I still have my family, I have my village. We lost people, but by and large we escaped the mutilation at the hands of the scourge that took so many. Humans, I think especially have had it tough. In Keldorei society, we have millenia to balance out the horrors of war, of our mistakes. We have had millenia to atone for them and to change our ways. Humans have no such mechanism and the horrors of war are front and center on their consciousness- or so it seems. Strange though, even other Keldorei seem to have shadows behind which they hide and the light of which they keep from the world.

Does it make me a good person or a bad one that I have not suffered like everyone else? Does it rob me of the ability to empathize? When I left home, I felt like my experience would guide me. I was so wrong, it is instinct that guides and trust in ones self. I feel strangely humbled by these short lived creatures and the other Keldorei I have met. They have endured so much and they complain so little. I think it is likely better to let the past be the past with them, and try to find other ways in which to relate.

[Keilune]

Sept 13, cont

I just found out about the greatest hunting grounds in Azeroth: Stranglethorn vale. I must go and check it out, I hear the beasts there are fierce!

[Keilune]

Sept 13

Absolutely glorious! I am writing this sitting in the middle of three panthers on the prowl. They pace just outside of my scent radius, but close enough that I can see every hair on their bodies. These are truly magnificent creatures. I have only gotten to the edge of Stranglethorn and already the beasts are more fierce than I anticipated. Waldor and I have survived, but the battles have been intense! What a bonding experience for Waldor an me. We so needed this!

Waldor is especially fearsome, I've never seen him like this! His mandibles practically drip with spittle and his growl.. they make even my hair stand on end. Oh what ferocious companion I have, I am so incredibly blessed.

Is it strange that I am beginning to prefer the blade to the bow? It seems somehow right to be fighting along side Waldor instead off at a distance.

[Keilune]

Sept 13.

I don't know that I can look at the world in the same way. I miss my home, my family, my village. I miss how hopeful we were that the druids would find a way to fix the problems with the Teldrassil. I love how we would all sit around at the inn at night laughing and telling stories. I used to stay up far past my bedtime just listening. I knew life outside the branches was hard, but for us in our new home, it seemed to have finally settled. For me, these last few years have been a huge chunk of my experience. It seems all that I've known.

How could anyone bind another and keep them caged? It is utterly unthinkable. I will spare myself the recording of the more intense details, but they are the most cruel, inhumane and completely evil acts that a person could commit. I can't even see the pages right now, I am so overwhelmed.

I wanted so much to reach out, to comfort her. Even my singing had no effect, and I don't know that she could even hear it in that state. All I could do was stand and wait for her to calm, for her to fatigue enough that I could approach and wrap my arms around her. I held her tightly through the night.

I don't know that I'm right for you. Not you, diary, her... but I'm writing like its to her.. if thats okay you silly book. Jealous much? I don't know if I am right for you. I have no experience with trauma. My arms are not enough, my kisses meant in tenderness only cause more grief. I need those kisses. I need to learn, to experience, to grow. I worry that you need someone more than me, someone who has already done all this and who has seen hard times. Someone who knows how to love you in a way that is not hurtful.

I love you so much, but I don't think I'm enough and it pains me to think that my needs cause you harm. I just don't know how to say this to you, so I write it here. I place a bookmark at this page so that when I am finally ready to speak, I will not have lost the words.

[Keilune]

Sept 16

I am writing this on the shores of darkshore in Auberdine. I feel like I've been spilling my guts to anyone who will listen, and while everyone is so nice, it seems like I'm asking an awful lot. I mean a lot. There are just so many things I need to know. How is love created... how does it happen? When I feel things.. in my .. my body, it makes me feel emotions too... are they connected? Do they have to be? What else can my body do? I was so close the other day.. so close to.. I cant say it, but it was unlike anything... and it was scary. Its like there was this monster inside me with only thing it wanted... a hunger.. and I was afraid to let it out. I have to learn about these things.

Cannie told me about a place where they teach people to teach other people. Its a dangerous journey, but I asked around and I think I if I stay along the shore, I'll be fine. I simply have to get there. I don't know why, I'm sure I'll find nothing there, but I have to try. I cant wait any longer, I will explode! Or implode, I don't know which.

It was scary being back in auberdine, I have no idea if the village has people looking for me or not. I was tempted to drop a note off for my parents, but that would be too risky. Well, I'm off again, I'll try to keep writing as I go along... if I can. Do they even have spirit healers south of darkshore?

[Keilune]

Date Unknown

It is night, but I can barely see the stars for the curtains of light. They dance silently high, so high above my head. They are everywhere and nowhere. Sometimes it seems that they float, gently descending, almost to my hand and then its gone.. gone as if it never was. These lights high in the night are must be dancing to something. It is said that it is Elune's song that calls warriors home to rest. I wonder if this is their path back to the bosom of our mother. I only know that I am looking at something sacred, something divine.

It is cold here in Northrend- bitterly cold in fact, my breath freezes as it leaves my mouth and I am fortunate that my ear tips have little blood in them, or they would be frozen too. My toes? I still have them? Long ago they ceased to hurt, but I cannot move from this spot, I am transfixed. I have fallen in love with this rugged isolated land- what little I can see at my season. One day, I will live here.

*writers note... doh, of course its the writers note, cuz I'm the only one writing. Anyway.. I wrote this a while back, but I forgot to put it in. I don't remember the day, but is sometime between then and now. Yes, that was a joke.. really, you must learn to find humour in subtleties! Okay, now I'm officially writing to myself, which is much worse than talking to oneself.. and even worse if I start to argue. Fortunately I'm a peaceful sort. However, if I ever once.. even once respond to myself with “Huh? What was that?” Then I know I'm in real trouble.

[Keilune]

Sept 18

This has been a much more difficult trip than I thought it would be.. and long. Yesterday I barely slid past what must have been the naga I have heard about and today I was nearly pinched in two by gigantic crayfish creature. So much for being the hunter. I spent the night last night surrounded by those naga, trapped on a small island. I was sure they would come for me at any time. Even with Waldor guarding me, sleep was hard to find. Hopefully, Elune willing, I will make Feathermoon Stronghold tomorrow.

[Keilune]

Sept 19

I am disappointed to say that I did not make Feathermoon Stronghold. After a second sleepless night, it became apparent to me the the journey was not only difficult, but also dangerous- too dangerous. I never give up, and Elune rewards those endure hardship for a worthy goal. She does not however look kindly upon the squandering of her grace and the reliance on Spirit Healers. I could not continue. It was impetuous anyway to think that they would speak to someone like me without an introduction.

Sept 20

I am aware of the irony of this entry when paired against the last. I write it from Amber Ledge in Northrend, my mind still dizzy from the Spirit Healers touch. I am afraid that I committed a grave sin getting here. I have been so careful in Northrend, not venturing farther than was safe- even to explore. I have contented myself with the fishing of Manta Reys off the safe coastal waters. But I got greedy. I heard about a very valuable fish that can only be caught inland and the thrill of the hunt was once again upon me. Confident that I could sense any danger before it approached, and in the speed of Shar'el, I ventured forth- only to quickly realize that there was no sneaking past these beasts.

I managed to evade the first few, but ultimately it was the mammoth bulls that I found I could not outrun and here I am. I made my destination, but only by Her grace and the placement of the Spirit Healer upon this ledge. As I write this, my stomach churning, my armor in tatters I come face to face with an impulsiveness that was spurred not by excitement, not by honour, but by greed. I am ashamed.

Now that I have spoken with the dragon, I can return safely, but before I do, I must visit the temple and ask for Elune's forgiveness and I must learn when my motivation is pure and when it is false. Even so, I am not sure I will get the same joy out of fishing these waters- knowing how I came upon them.