The Ghost’s Whispers
May 14, 2021 7:06:30 GMT -5
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۞ KAT ۞ AKA Red Viper and Cillian like this
Post by Celeste on May 14, 2021 7:06:30 GMT -5
I am a ghost.
A tangible spirit. That’s how I feel anyways. There but not there. Whole but empty, without real substance.
There was a time where I craved friendship. The love of others. Tom had never really given me that. I think in his own way he thought he did but he never really paused to ask how -I- felt.
Now, now I fear people. I was offered a job in some sort of trading company. I’m told it would be good for me. A fresh start. I had a panic attack that left me barely able to rise from bed this morning. All I felt was this cold fear. I can’t bear to trust anyone anymore. I’m afraid of letting other people in. That just leaves me empty inside though.
I wish I could hug Shari. That always made me feel better. I would have liked to speak with her, one last time. I never got to say goodbye. To her or anyone else. Now their lives would be in danger if I tried.
Found a strange troll figurine in a ruin I was digging through in the sands of Tanaris. It moves around, little arms raised. It feels sort of angry but so far all it does is walk around and bump into walls. Pleased Dordy to no end though. When I first found it, my immediate thought was that Ian would love this. We could build another castle in the sand and watch it trash it. I stopped just short of contacting him. I imagined him falling off that cliff in Feralas. Watching his body fall and come to a final and deadly end on the forest floor. I know exactly how that feels. I miss confiding in him. I’m told I should move on, be happy. The advice isn’t bad but it doesn’t exactly fit my current state of mind. Like a glove just a size too big. Ian, Ian would listen to me, wouldn’t throw advice my way. He must feel that I abandoned him. I’ll never know.
Maybe what I need is Grim’s stoic presence. He might be laconic but he’s never let me down. His presence has always felt solid, familiar in it’s unchanging way. Even if he didn’t speak, would that break her rule? Would being just -there- be a form of betrayal? I can’t chance it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have ask X for his counsel. Mother has always told me she had always loved him and sought his advice when she was at a loss. The two of them felt like kindred spirits. I remember though when he told the gang that we should avoid relationships out of the gang though. It messed up loyalties. Loving people -in- the gang just set you up in the same way, in the end. I don’t think he realized at the time just how lonely that would eventually make me. Make any of us. Does he think I’m like Mother now? Just a traitor? I’ve often wondered what he thinks. How he’s managed to be in the gang for so long. Does his loyalty sustain him? X has always been kind to me. Avuncular in his manner. I can imagine Mother considering him as her brother. It feels right. I don’t want to consider that I also lost a caring uncle though. I can’t ask him about any of it.
The finality of it. Being thrown off a cliff, it realigns your perspectives. In the past I would have tried. Maybe talked to her when the dust has had time to settle. Come to some sort of plan or solution. It had worked before. I think. I’m not sure anymore. I’m clearly naive. Not this time. She didn’t kill me. I’m not sure why anymore but she didn’t. I’ve thought about that until my brain melted. I’m still wondering.
I’ve learned my lesson though. I’m going to stay away. I’m not so naive, any longer.
Just empty words, in the end. Whispers of a ghost that no one hears, no one believes. Not even myself...
A tangible spirit. That’s how I feel anyways. There but not there. Whole but empty, without real substance.
There was a time where I craved friendship. The love of others. Tom had never really given me that. I think in his own way he thought he did but he never really paused to ask how -I- felt.
Now, now I fear people. I was offered a job in some sort of trading company. I’m told it would be good for me. A fresh start. I had a panic attack that left me barely able to rise from bed this morning. All I felt was this cold fear. I can’t bear to trust anyone anymore. I’m afraid of letting other people in. That just leaves me empty inside though.
I wish I could hug Shari. That always made me feel better. I would have liked to speak with her, one last time. I never got to say goodbye. To her or anyone else. Now their lives would be in danger if I tried.
Found a strange troll figurine in a ruin I was digging through in the sands of Tanaris. It moves around, little arms raised. It feels sort of angry but so far all it does is walk around and bump into walls. Pleased Dordy to no end though. When I first found it, my immediate thought was that Ian would love this. We could build another castle in the sand and watch it trash it. I stopped just short of contacting him. I imagined him falling off that cliff in Feralas. Watching his body fall and come to a final and deadly end on the forest floor. I know exactly how that feels. I miss confiding in him. I’m told I should move on, be happy. The advice isn’t bad but it doesn’t exactly fit my current state of mind. Like a glove just a size too big. Ian, Ian would listen to me, wouldn’t throw advice my way. He must feel that I abandoned him. I’ll never know.
Maybe what I need is Grim’s stoic presence. He might be laconic but he’s never let me down. His presence has always felt solid, familiar in it’s unchanging way. Even if he didn’t speak, would that break her rule? Would being just -there- be a form of betrayal? I can’t chance it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have ask X for his counsel. Mother has always told me she had always loved him and sought his advice when she was at a loss. The two of them felt like kindred spirits. I remember though when he told the gang that we should avoid relationships out of the gang though. It messed up loyalties. Loving people -in- the gang just set you up in the same way, in the end. I don’t think he realized at the time just how lonely that would eventually make me. Make any of us. Does he think I’m like Mother now? Just a traitor? I’ve often wondered what he thinks. How he’s managed to be in the gang for so long. Does his loyalty sustain him? X has always been kind to me. Avuncular in his manner. I can imagine Mother considering him as her brother. It feels right. I don’t want to consider that I also lost a caring uncle though. I can’t ask him about any of it.
The finality of it. Being thrown off a cliff, it realigns your perspectives. In the past I would have tried. Maybe talked to her when the dust has had time to settle. Come to some sort of plan or solution. It had worked before. I think. I’m not sure anymore. I’m clearly naive. Not this time. She didn’t kill me. I’m not sure why anymore but she didn’t. I’ve thought about that until my brain melted. I’m still wondering.
I’ve learned my lesson though. I’m going to stay away. I’m not so naive, any longer.
Just empty words, in the end. Whispers of a ghost that no one hears, no one believes. Not even myself...
))
Founded April 26, 2005